What do I really want?
I just finished the day mostly scrolling through my phone.
Unlike others (or so I’d like to think), my scrolling was intentional—for some reason I don’t fully understand. And yet, I didn’t end the day feeling guilty, as my 14-year-old self would have called it: wasted time.
This leads me to a question that has been bothering me for years: What do I really want?
I know that I love my friends and family. I love showing people that I value, care for, and appreciate them. I love listening to their stories, discovering the little things that make them unique. I love learning—about people, about life, about the world.
I love life itself! The presence of others, the beauty of nature, the sheer gift of existence—these things fill me with gratitude.
Five years ago, I wouldn’t have described myself this way. Back then, I was singularly focused on personal achievement. I wanted to change the world, to become the best version of myself according to my own ambitious standards. I was driven—maybe even delusional, as some would say—but I turned that delusion into reality.
I became a valedictorian, an accomplishment that once meant everything to me. Even now, looking back, I’m amazed at how much I poured into making that happen. And yet, as you might have already guessed, I don't glorify it as much as I did back then.
I do still hold the same long-term vision I’ve always had, but something shifted along the way. My high school years taught me that success isn’t just about reaching the finish line—it’s about embracing the journey. Because once you get there, the question is always: What’s next?
Now, I feel like I’m in my era of patience. I don’t know exactly what I want to do at this moment, and I fear I’m not actively working toward my dreams. But if my past has taught me anything, it’s that things have a way of working out.
I never planned to study at one of the top schools in the country, yet here I am. I never expected to meet the people I once dreamed of knowing, yet now they’re part of my life. All those competitions, milestones, and moments of growth—they all fell into place.
So now, I find myself caught between time and intuition. I want to enjoy the present, but I also fear I’m not growing like I used to. My confidence wavers, and I find myself questioning my worth more than ever before.
Am I lost because I don’t know what I want? Or have I already achieved what I once wanted and now feel unsure about wanting more?
I love my life. I am surrounded by love every single day. But something inside me still feels unsettled, and I don’t know why.
Maybe, just maybe, that’s part of the journey too.